i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
