Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
