she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
