That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
