this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
