I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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