Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
