Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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