I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
