I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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