Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
