I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
