Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
