She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
