yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
