He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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