he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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