i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni