I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol