The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.