I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
