Dual....:-)
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
