I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
