Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
