You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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