Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
