no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
