Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
