It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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