I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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