I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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