I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
