Where did you get a picture of my penis
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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