mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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