My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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