I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't turn off my feet"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
