I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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