She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
