Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm both gender and math confused
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
