yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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