Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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