Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
