i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
