the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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