If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
