Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
