She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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