Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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