he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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