just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
