He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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