i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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