My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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