I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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