I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
