he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
