Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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