so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
