What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
