I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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