Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
